1 shout out; 1 shout down

To Whomever Found My Girlfriend’s Phone and Returned It:

Thank you. You were kind enough to help someone out in a time of need rather than taking advantage of them. Especially since the phone in question was a first-gen iPhone, worth a few hundred bucks. What with the recession and all, I wouldn’t blame you that much for selling it. I mean, it would still be wrong of course. Anyway, thanks for your help and your kindness. Your hard help serves as a beacon for all humanity.


Xugro & Co.

To Whomever Stole My Girlfriend’s Purse:

You are an awful person. Thankfully, you weren’t able to do much except spend $7 or so at a tea shop before we noticed and cancelled the cards. I assume you were a bit tired and worried after commiting such a foul misdeed that you needed an antioxidant-filled rejuvenating beverage with or without caffeine. Was it white pomegranate tea? Chai? Yerba maté? Or something more exotic? Did you also get some scones with clotted cream to go with your tea? Fuck you.

In any event, you didn’t get far. By the time you finished your afternoon nibble, we had already called the bank. Your attempt to buy over $400 of merchandise at Wawa (I know, their sandwiches aren’t THAT great) was unsuccessful. So then you went to a 711 and someplace else and tried to charge $1.50, which also failed. Sigh. So sorry! Crime doesn’t pay, although it might get you tea and crumpets.

I hope you hear from cops and fraud departments soon. While we don’t care about the $7–which we ultimately will have reimbursed–you caused a lot of distress, pain and suffering. Mostly the pain in the ass of replacing IDs, licenses, etc.

The current recession has the opportunity to bring out the best and the worst in people. You failed the humanity test.




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